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1:37PM - Tuesday, November 25, 2003 I had a two-hour conversation with Durga about the status of our 'relationship' by instant messaging last week. Apparently she doesn't feel like we're 'close,' though she can't even really explain what that means to me. Frankly, she's just being insecure and jealous and driving me up the fucking wall. If it continues, I don't know if the good sex is worth the trouble. Gah. Basically, she feels that I don't show her the same level of physical affection that I show Butch and CurveGirl, or even CuteSnarkyBoy. Apparently when she comes over to Butch's place on Wednesdays to watch Angel with us, she feels let out, and that all she wants is some physical affection and I'm not giving it to her. And that I've been acting 'cold' towards her. Umm, if you have a problem and you don't tell me about it, it's not my problem. If you want a hug and a snuggle, curl up with me on the couch or ask! If I'm not so talkative, it might be because I'm tired because it's the middle of the scohol week and I work hard! She tormented me brutally after the Witch's Ball, saying I was "moony-eyed" over CSB. You have no idea how much she bugged me and teased me and pushed me. You wanna know why? It was because I didn't show her enough affection at the damn ball. Argh! I don't know what she wants. Sure, I was squishy about CSB that night--we'd had sex for the first time that day and I was feeling really good about him! It's called New Relationship Energy, and I was positively glowing with it! I'm not a mind reader. I realize that I was really quite wrapped up in him that weekend, but I think I had justification. She hurt my feelings and made me feel really bad, and I told her that. I told her how angry that made me. I understand that my relationship defenses and walls are pretty high. Sometimes it takes a while for them to go down, a while for me to establish intimacy, a while to allow myself to trust another person. It's a very difficult thing for me to do at the best of times, and I know I've had issues with it in the past. Ask my ex LunaCath (formerly known as C) about my defenses and I'm sure she could tell you some stories. I'm not perfect, nor do I try to be. All I ask for is time and consideration. I don't know if Durga can handle that. She wants the walls down now, and since she wasn't seeing progress, she put her walls back up and started throwing goddamn rocks at me. It's all very frustrating for something I think of as a sexual friendship--fuck buddies shouldn't be this much work. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm an asshole, but god, cut me a break! I told her that I needed her to tell me what she wants and needs from me, and she couldn't do it! She didn't know what she wanted or needed from me. I told her I needed her to tell me when she needed something, it was as simple as that. I told her I needed time and patience, and that relationships progress at different speeds, and different people provoke different responses in me. Frankly, this is a woman I cut out of my life for three years because she was selfish and toxic and just plain unbalanced. I bit my tongue and didn't remind her of that, but it's always in the back of my head, I guess. It's the most likely reason why my defenses are slow to come down in her case. Once bitten, twice shy, eh? I think sometimes she should be happy I accepted her apology three years ago when she phoned me up out of the blue and apologized for being an asshole. And that I've let her back into my life so fully. Bah!
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